| Raw |
[Jul. 5th, 2009|05:52 am] |
**Contains adult content***
I laid there, staring up at the ceiling, and couldn't help but cry. I hoped he wouldn't notice, but he did, and asked me why I was crying. The real answer seemed impossible to articulate. He asked if I was mad, said he'd never promised me anything, said we could stay "friends" (with benefits, of course), pointed out that he was deeply depressed and just a pizza-maker and did I really think he was in a position to be in a relationship? He had talked about how, if he weren't Muslim, he'd have killed himself. He said he wasn't trying to hurt me, that this was who he was; he didn't believe in love and his religion said it was something that developed after marriage; that the last time he'd loved someone, it'd ruined his life. The hardest part to hear was that he'd "done these things on purpose," avoided telling me that he missed me, or thought about me; that I could review his texts and I'd never find a message like that in there; he didn't play with people's feelings like his ex had played with his. I pointed out that the words weren't necessary when the actions didn't follow. I don't need to hear "I missed you" from someone who pounces on me the moment they see me and buries their hand under my shirt. He said he'd intentionally avoided going out with me after the first date because he "wasn't ready" for a relationship; that he didn't do relationships and if I wanted to leave him, I could, he wouldn't hold it against me. He asked if I was dating anyone else. I said yes, and he asked where and when, and congratulated me, and pointed out his lack of jealousy, and that he'd have been mad, had he actually cared. He didn't say the "actually cared" thing, he opted for something like "if I were your boyfriend." He pointed out the differences in our lives, and recalled a detail of my life I'd mentioned in passing on our first date, which made me laugh, then cry at the same time. He told me he wasn't seeing anyone else, and I said that that was good, and when he asked why I told him he wasn't dating material, that he wasn't open to it, didn't want to get attached or get involved(direct quotes) and therefore, shouldn't be dating anyone. He seemed to disagree. He asked if I thought he'd used me/exploited me and I said yes, he recoiled in shock and asked how? I told him, i think you know, "had we had this conversation beforehand, I never would have come here," and there was a long pause, after which he softly said, "I'm sorry." He invited me to come back to "have fun" whenever I wanted, and said he'd never told me he loved me, at which point I conceded and tried to leave. He pulled me back, feigning confusion over my reaction, saying I was "getting sensitive," and shouldn't be, that I should be strong since I'm a teacher and have to set an example for my students. That made me laugh outright, the ridiculousness of the comparison. What lesson would I impart to my students, from this scenario? Don't lose your virginity to someone you don't love, thinking it will spare you pain in the end. It won't. Eventually, not loving and being loved in return will just feel empty and fake, and you'll end up hurt anyway. I'm thinking that lesson's a little to mature for 8-year-olds.
I told him he was right, and that if I stayed, it'd only make things worse. He asked if we could stay friends; I lied and said yes. It tickled me when he'd referred to what we were doing as "dating." He told me he'd call me tomorrow, or asked if I'd call him tomorrow, I'm not sure which, I had kind of checked out. I said "sure," and told him to get some rest, as he'd complained our conversation had kept him up all night and he'd have a long day of work the next day, and left, slamming the door behind me.
Most shameful walk of shame yet.
I should mention, I'd gone there intending to end things. I knew it would hurt, but didn't think I'd cry. But I think even when our instincts tell us our worst fears are true, to have them confirmed is painful.
So here I am. Not really sure what to do next. Thinking that my no-dating/no-men policy was right from the start; I could have lived the whole rest of my life never experiencing these things and been just fine. I was comfortable in my ignorance. I enjoyed never having my heart broken, never worrying that I was pregnant, never sleeping with a man who couldn't get me off, never fearing the outcome of a situation where I'd made myself wholly, and unabashedly, vulnerable. Sigh. Now what? |
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| Oh. Boy. |
[Mar. 8th, 2009|01:17 am] |
So, luckily I haven't given many people the link to this blog, so I can speak more freely than I would otherwise. I mentioned a while back that I told someone I was interested in that I had feelings for them, and that he basically turned me down, citing a perfectly practical but likely bullshit reason, regarding the co-mingling of professional and personal relations(he's my supervisor). Anyhoo, he'd become progressively less responsive over the past weeks, even lying about losing text capability on his phone when confronted about his lack of communication, and finally reached the point where he wasn't responding at all, to texts, e-mails, what-have-you. And I was just at the point where I was about to go to my boss about it, because it was affecting my ability to do my job, as I couldn't get even the most basic information from the person who was supposed to be supervising me. Then we had a snow day, and I got sick, and missed four days of work, then found out via text from a co-worker that he was leaving. I should give him a nomer of some kind, let's call him Bob. So anyway, it was a major shock. And a really bad one.
I feel a need to explain why this situation is so excruciating. And complicated. Partially because it helps me work through why it's affecting me so much. I started this job working in partnership with Bob, mentoring a group of teenagers while we created a large-scale public artwork. The meat, that is, the majority, of my job is working with very small children (at their individual public schools), whose capabilities are limited and whose attention spans are short, whose language skills are poor, wherein artistic talent is few and far between. But working with the teenagers was very different; they were hand-picked, they were focused, and commited. I also met with them three twice a week, whereas I only see my other students once a week, in a different location each week. In a way, all of the moving around, shlepping all your stuff with you, having to start over every time you land, make do with what's there and feeling like you never know where your relationships are; whether things will start up where you left off, or you'll have to start all over again, reminds me a lot of my childhood, with divorced parents with joint custody. So between the transcience of it, the instability, the limitations, it's just not very fulfilling. But I really got something out of the project with the teens, I pushed them, took risks, they pushed me, surprised me, annoyed me, made me proud. I was so impressed with what they created in the end. And we just spent so much time together; they made me laugh hysterically. Somehow, a sort-of familial relationship was created, with Bob and I coordinating the pick-up and delivery of all these kids, divvying up the tasks; switching off the "parenting" tasks, taking the kids on trips and monitoring them, or just sitting quietly working, listening to the kids' conversations about classmates, so-on... I brought him to the welding shop at my alma-mater, along with the group... They managed to create something really beautiful without burning off a limb or two. Anyway, they really became my family, and now he's leaving, I feel like we're getting a divorce and I can't figure who gets custody of the kids.
My boss wants me to start teaching all of these new courses for teens at our center in the Fall, and I fear that without Bob, they'll be failures. My boss has already attempted this at another center, and not one student turned up. And the person who managed the program at that center is the one she's hired to replace Bob (and manage the teen programs for our center), so I'm not hopeful. My position is somewhat dependent upon these classes being successful; at the very least, my psychological health is dependent upon them being successful and having another outlet that doesn't involve 7-year-olds. I've been teaching a teen course at the center for some months now, and for the first weeks, no one showed. Now, I have a few regulars, but none of them are actually teens, and their capabilities (and mine, as far as projects that are age-appropriate) are limited. I just don't think I can stand more of the same; waiting for kids to show up, trying to coax them in, trying to motivate them to come back each week. I have a co-worker who's supposed to be teaching computer courses, and every time I see him, he just looks so dejected, and talks about how useless he feels, with no one showing up for his classes. I know how that feels, and really don't want to experience it again. Bob was such an integral part of my initiation into this organization, it seems impossible to imagine being there when he's not. I don't feel like I really understand the way things work. And he was the one I went to when I was in conflict with another co-worker, and he reassured me. He wasn't a part of the school-aged childcare program, so was always a step removed from the drama that seems a constant feature there. I don't know if I can stand to be there without him.
At the risk of divulging too much identifying information, there is also a physical particularity that makes this situation challenging. I am not a small girl, never have been, and never sought to downplay my physical strength. I rarely feel weaker than the men around me, and I sense that men are put off by the fact that they can't feel immediately physically dominating in my presence. I could be mistaken, but I see the difference in the way men relate to my petite, skinny, delicate friends, and the way they relate to me. There is a kind of let-me-pick-you-up, sit-on-my-lap playfulness that exists for them that does not exist for me. Bob is a physical anomaly. Like giant, professional basketball player/football player anomaly. Huge. He is the only man I've ever met that made me feel small. And safe/protected. It was a unique experience. I don't think I'll be able to duplicate it.
There was such a sense of devotion to the kids at our center that I even questioned it; found the cuddling and hugs and phone calls to parents at the crack of dawn bizarre, the group overnights to colleges and to volunteer at shelters; I was a bit envious of the connection, but mostly in awe. We were given a grant for our public art project; he reinvested half of his pay into the project to fund additional stipends and supplies for the kids. He knew some of the kids for years, seemed to know every aspect of their lives, their families. Hence the shock at his sudden, unceremonious departure.
In kind of a cesspool of sadness now. I am really terrible with change. I just don't adjust that quickly. I thought I had more time, and I just hadn't envisioned a future without him in it.. On the contrary, I imagined a lot of futures with him in them, lol.I guess he was kind of a stable (or seemingly stable) feature in a very unstable environment, and I am thrown by his ultimate instability. And I don't understand what could motivate him to leave, and I'm questioning his integrity.
I have never been the type who really believed in partnership, marriage or monogamy, and until this experience, had never had experience with any of the above. But I really enjoyed having someone pick up the slack; take on the tasks I couldn't do (or didn't want to do), who I could rely on, who I genuinely respected. So I allowed myself to imagine a future where I'd actually have that, and I am grieving those fantasies now, and going back to my previous vision for my future, where it's just me, on my own. Kinda regret ever considering an alternative, 'cause it feels way worse to have to give up on.
So yeah. Complicated. Kinda feel like shit. Lol. I am just waiting for this to pass. It will, right? |
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| Help Me |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|02:51 am] |
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I am in love and I can't get over it. I need to lobotomize that part of my brain. Or get some of those bacteria that attack brain tissue but only live for a limited period of time. Seriously I can't take it. This is the worst thing ever. I can't think of anything else; everything relates back to this person... And I am so not that girl... |
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| New Year |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|01:21 am] |
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Hello all.. well, the past year has certainly been interesting... I have gone through a lot of changes. One of the most notable events was a brave moment for me; I told someone I was interested in that I had feelings for him; apparently he was so freaked out that he couldn't come up with a single thing to say in response for a week and a half. Ultimately, he said he couldn't mix personal and professional things (we work together), and I have been on an emotional roller coaster regarding this whole thing. And here is where I've landed. I hope for him, in the new year, that he gains the maturity to be able to appreciate being desired and respond to it with dignity and respect for the person expressing that desire. And I hope he gets what he wants. As far as I'm concerned, I hope I will continue to put my fears aside and act boldly, and love openly. I think about 4-5 years ago when I applied to school and in my admissions essay I expressed my primary goal to be to "open up;" I feel like I've really achieved that. Not sure I can credit it solely to art school, in fact, sure I can't credit it solely to that. But for whatever reason, there's been progress. Anyhoo, had my art opening on First Night, which was great. Saw Joey McIntyre at the E Room on New Year's Eve, he's pretty hot in person! Which reminds me, Dana says he's nearly 40, must go and look him up, because that just makes me feel fricking old! I hope you all will have an amazing, wondrous, exciting new year... Talk soon! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 14th, 2008|12:39 pm] |
I have lapsed in my Livejournal posting duties! Let's see.. So.. What's happened. I graduated from Tufts in May, and then started a massive, stressful job hunt.. I got a job teaching, as well as as the Artist-in-Residence at this non-profit, where I am creating a large-scale public art project with a group of teens.. If you're in the Boston area, come check it out on First Night, we'll be in the John Hancock building.. I have to say, having a job makes me wary about posting specifics on here.. But what the hell.. I work closely with the Education Manager at the non-prof, and I'm kinda wondering if it'll go anywhere.. But thinking about that is really distracting so I'm trying to refocus my energy elsewhere. The teens are great, but the little kids, who I teach for the larger percentage of the week, are generally monsters. I hate children. I'm sorry, I know that most women are horrified at the idea of another woman hating children, like it goes against some unspoken maternal code, but I do. They're dirty, they spread disease, they cry for no reason, they don't follow directions, and I hate them. And when I'm attempting to actually teach them something, it's torturous. I am hoping the public art project will be more rewarding. I am having the kids do some stained glass, and MAYBE welding, but not sure about that yet. Kinda terrifies me. Teens with fire. Meh. Anyhoo, been swimming a couple times a week, hanging out on the weekends; gals and I made an apple-picking foray earlier this month, and made a couple (actually three) apple-crumb pies of awesomeness. We've been making an effort to try new places, so we finally went to this Burmese restaurant in Brighton, and it was great. Some new flavors, some I really dug (one not so much!). Last weekend we went to Providence to see the play "Bug" (like the Ashley Judd film) by the Black Repertory Theater. It was interesting. Very bloody. I had consciously avoided seeing the film because the whole bugs under the skin thing has always creeped me out tremendously. But to me, this play was more about what happens when your support system fails and someone preys upon your vulnerability, as well as the dangers of becoming completely cloistered. It's an interesting story; check it out if you can!
Anyhoo, I have to get ready for work. I will try an update more regularly. But my brain is like a sieve so don't count on me remembering! |
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| Got my back? |
[Jul. 20th, 2008|02:05 am] |
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This evening, I attended a social gathering to celebrate a friend's birthday. Near the close of the evening, one of the guests, a pseudo-friend who I've know since kindergarten, shoved one of my best friend's without provocation, while the latter friend was innocently standing in the kitchen doorway, conversing with a group of us.. The events that followed inspired the title of this entry. I watched my close friends say things to the assailant like, "it's ok, things happen," and "I know you're sorry," and "it'll be ok, everyone loses their temper;" comforting the girl... And alternately trying to convince the friend who'd been assaulted to talk it out with the girl who shoved her, be forgiving and gentle with her, allow her to explain herself. At one point I approached the assailant myself and asked her directly if what i believed i'd witnessed; her approaching my friend, shoving her, and then retreating, was accurate, and when she confirmed it was, told her that whether the friend who'd been attacked chose to speak to her at that point was up to her, but that her conduct was unnacceptable.. But the whole thing made me really worried, not simply because my pseudo-friend's aggression was unpredictable and seemingly unprovoked, and the issues she later used to justify her actions were partially applicable to several of the guests, not solely the one she attacked, but also that my friends reacted the way they did.. I think I believe my friends will back me up in any situation where I am being threatened, in any way. And I felt like this situation demonstrated that that belief is unfounded. I am horrified by the possibility that if I were physically attacked, they'd stand there doing nothing, later making excuses for my assailants behavior and suggesting I take some time to "cool down," which to me is just code for "get over it." The physical threat in this scenario was minor, and yet none of my friends took immediate action, not even in insisting that the assailant leave the house; perhaps physical violence is more acceptable to them then it is to me, I dunno, we're all approaching our 30's so in my mind, physical confrontations should be a thing of the past. If what's right and what's wrong are clear, and the threat is minor but you still can't take a strong stance, that concerns me. I guess what I'm reading into this situation is that in the future, if I'm physically confronted, I'm on my own, which kinda sucks, but is good to know. |
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| Death, or break-ups come in threes? |
[Jul. 15th, 2008|03:55 am] |
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This week heralded the dissolution of yet another long-term relationship of a close friend.. You know I've always been dubious of the whole pairing-off/marriage thing, but secretly, I still hope for the success of my friends' relationships. I want to believe that my peers can make it work, that somehow marriage and couple-hood is still relevant and practical, that people my age; smart, funny, accomplished, people I know, can do it. But again and again, it fails.. It fails in people I think of as stable, as bonded to their partners, as good planners, compromisers, etc.... They eventually find their partners aren't enough.. Whatever-enough, 'cause the flaw is always different; too serious, not funny enough, too dull, too stable, too wild, blah blah blah... Is it possible that choosing one person to fulfill your needs for the next 60 years just doesn't make sense? |
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| SIGH |
[Jul. 15th, 2008|01:32 am] |
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My libido is out of control. That's all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|03:15 am] |
I went to the awesomest event tonight, InteractBoston. Capoeira, African Dance, Yoga-nastics, nude painting, sushi served on naked bodies, paintings and jewelry, bellydancing with live violin, techno music. And hot men.
My feet hurt. |
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| For the Ladies, especially |
[Mar. 31st, 2008|07:12 pm] |
I have a little tip for the single people, especially chicks, reading this right now. Scrabble is a man-magnet. After being approached by two separate guys within the span of an hour whilst playing Scrabble with a friend, I am convinced this game possesses some magical power. I pass my Jedi knowledge onto all of you. Give it a shot!
(BTW, some Starbucks have boardgames in the store, which is how we played, so keep an eye out!) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2008|11:56 pm] |
So recently, several of my close friends have been experiencing some emotional strife. They are, for the most part, of the sort to call/instant message/e-mail repeatedly, wanting to discuss their issues, and in two cases, those issues center around men in their lives. As I really know very little about relationships, this has inspired the question of how to provide emotional support, and how much is appropriate. In one case, the prevalent issue in my friend's life has been the same for about 2-3 years now. We have the same discussion, over and over. I give her advice, she ignores it, gets hurt, then cries and complains that she isn't being emotionally supported by her friends enough. I think for me, the central issue is that I feel as though, in a lot of these instances where my friends seek my support, they do so only as a gesture. They intend to do what they want to do, but want to give the appearance of doing something different, and so reach out to me. In a couple of cases, they intend to make bad choices, but ask me for input/advice, then proceed to make bad choices, therefore making me an accomplice. And I take issue with that. i occasionally make choices that i know will likely have negative consequences. Or that are morally questionable. But I don't go to my friends and ask them, "do you think this is right?" or "do you think this is the wrong?" before doing so. Because I think that would be unfair to them. Were I smoking crack, I wouldn't ask my friends whether it was wrong and encourage them to dissuade me and then go shoot up, followed by a binge where i piss and vomit all over their floor, only to do it all again the next day. If I did so, I don't think there's anyone within the sound of my voice who wouldn't think me an asshole and not the kind of person they'd want in their lives. But I think certain friends of mine see how their behavior is comparable to that. They don't see how their repeated tantrums, poor choices, unwillingness to change behavior, and feigned desire to live differently is damaging to the people in their lives. Or me, specifically. In fact, I may use that crack example. Not sure they'll get it though.
Anyway, I can tolerate the occasional emotional outburst. It's just the constant, everpresent kind I have a hard time with.
I saw a pretty interesting film called "The Dead Girl," the other day, with Giovanni Ribisi, Toni Colette, James Franco, etc. in it. I was pretty impressed by it, and surprised I hadn't heard of it before. It's about the discovery of a corpse by a small-town woman, caring for her invalid mother, and the way the discovery impacts the lives of several other people. It's not a totally unfamiliar story, just told in an interesting way, with some unexpected twists. I highly recommend it!
My school vacation ends tonight. It wasn't much of a vacation really. i used it to get done all of the crap i didn't have time for during the semester, like going to the doctor, getting my car speakers fixed, getting my hair cut, etc.. I chopped all my hair off and died strands of it purple, I quite like the new look. I went to City Hall to dispute a couple tickets, and the guy there was the biggest asshole ever, and I plan to file a formal complaint against him. I have encountered a couple of these men in these pseudo-influential jobs (at least, in their own minds) who seem to put great effort into trying into intimidate me, and i find it rather comical. I'm sorry, no amount of raised voices will compensate for your small penises, fellas.
And with that, nighty night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2008|02:33 pm] |
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Lately i've had extremely vivid dreams. Some have featured people I haven't thought about in years, old classmates from grade school. I'm focusing less on the content of the dreams and more on why they have been so frequent and vivid. i can't figure it out. my brain feels different. |
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| Update |
[Feb. 27th, 2008|01:40 am] |
What's going on with me:
Monday was my 26th birthday. For the first time in several years, I had a really phenomenal birthday celebration. i had made a commitment to approach this birthday with a more laid-back attitude than before, to not focus on perfection as it rarely feels rewarding, and to accept help and go with the flow. So we had a burlesque lesson, which was pretty cool, followed by a tea party/trunk show of my work at a friend's apartment. I had a lot of fun, ate some good food, hung out, chatted, sold some work (yay!), and afterwards, a couple friends and i continued on to a party at another friends house, where much dancing and flirting occured. I really enjoyed myself. Unfortunately, it's been kind of downhill since then. I had had some difficulty with the burlesque lesson, the coordinator constantly wavered on the pricing beforehand, and after we'd settled on a price per-person, which I quoted to my guests, the actual instructor quoted us something different at the end of the class. I questioned her about it, reminded her about the original quote, and she insisted the amount had changed due to the amount of people who'd shown up (I should note that the price she quoted was $9 less per-person than what the coordinator had quoted me, and that i'd estimated that 7 people would show up for the lesson, but 11 actually did, so the lower price made sense). Anyway, everyone gave me the $21 each and I wrote the instructor a check. i get an e-mail yesterday from the coordinator talking about how the check was for the wrong amount, he wants to rip it up and send me a paypal request for the full amount instead (wants me to cover the cost of the whole class), the instructor was mistaken, blah blah blah. Mind you, I paid him $100 up front. So i think about it, consider the prospect of having to chase all my friends down and recoup the $100 balance the coordinator's asking for, and I say fuck it, I'm not doing it. I respond, CC-ing all my guests, tell him he should deposit my check, that everyone can mail him or paypal him the extra $9/person on their own. He responds that i'm responsible for the balance 'cause the agreement was with me, and I respond that he didn't get $30/person because his employee quoted the wrong price to all my guests. I mean, what could I have done in that situation, told all of my guests to disregard what the instructor was telling them and pay me extra, just in case she was wrong? Anyway, that's where things are right now.. I'll pay my extra $9 for now and see what happens.
In other news, i have a meeting with some judicial rep. at the Dean's office on Thursday. Basically, without getting into details, I've been parking at my college campus during Fall using a parking decal that isn't real. I was ticketed, went in to dispute the tickets, brought the decal in for them to inspect, had to meet with the public safety dept. which is essentially the university cops; the gist of it is, they won't dismiss the tickets, think i should pay them because the decal was on my car whether i put it there or not, (I bought my car from a student in the Fall) and referred me to the dean's office who'll determine if i should have to pay retroactively for a Fall semester permit, as it's an issue of Integrity or some shit. They even wrote up a report on which the term "larceny" was used. I will just say that I am pissed and indignant at the idea of people whose salaries I'm paying for having the nerve to try and charge me with anything. i have no idea where these people get off or who they think they are, since in essence, they work for me and i'm at this university of my own volition. I have no idea what's going to happen at this meeting Thurs., but i'm annoyed at even having to deal with it. Academia is a f*cking trip.
i've also had three presentations this week, one of which was impromptu, which you should read as the professor giving absolutely no notice. For the first time in my life, I found myself actually paralyzed by fear in one class, and went last, which i never do.. I think it actually went ok, but I was more concerned about my anxiety. I have progressively lost my ability to control my anxiety, and have had to take valium for the first time ever to calm down. I realize that I repeatedly choose a path of dissent, which creates resistance, which causes me anxiety. But I feel that I'm motivated by unfairness, and to not object would be wrong. i do think I'd be less anxious if, for example, I just paid these ridiculous tickets to my university, or just covered the entire cost of the burlesque class. But i don't believe that'd be fair, so i guess it comes down to what I value more.
So as I was driving to my dad's house tonight, because he insisted I shlep over there to celebrate my birthday because my younger bro had lots of homework and going out was out of the question and they'd be away over the week AND despite the fact that i told him I was exhausted, just out of my evening class and was more than 45 minutes away, I got stuck in traffic. i spent 30 minutes sitting on the highway, at the will of my ineffective GPS system before I just gave up. i called and cancelled, and on the way home, had a slightly hysterical crying fit in my car. On reflection it sounds mildly funny. I proceeded to cry while watching "What would you do?" on Dateline; teenage girls getting told-off by middle-aged women for picking on other chicks, friends reluctantly telling friends that they'd witnessed future spouses cheating, or just seeing other people on tv crying. Needless to say, emotions are a little high at the moment.
Oh, and my advisor, who I've e-mailed repeatedly to ask about satisfying my graduation requirements, continues to ignore me. In the end I just dropped the class I was asking her about, which met from 6:30-9 pm miles away from my home on a day when my first class meets at 10:30 AM, my second at 4:30. This may mean, or likely means, I'll have to take a replacement course over the summer. This is to fill an english requirement, mind you, that I tested out of. Apparently testing out counts for nothing as they just replaced the english requirement with a literature one, which means an additional two classes for me. I e-mailed my advisor my matriculation form, and no response. I also asked her about masters programs in our last meeting, to which she responded "you should look around and see if there are any programs you want to apply to." Thanks. Very helpful. Where would I be without your highly useful advice. 'Cause you know, I wouldn't have done that without you.
And a little disappointed that two friends from school, who i've made a concerted effort to get to know, did not show up for my birthday, though one of them said she would. And i gave a month's notice. Have i mentioned that flakiness is a pet-peeve of mine?
OH! And i almost forgot! On my birthday, I was awoken by a phone call from my credit card company, notifying me that there had been suspicious activity on my card. So i called in, and apparently, someone had used my card number to try and by gas, crap from Walmart, and something from somewhere called Terrible Herbs in Las Vegas and California... Because the charges would have put me over my credit limit, the company declined them, and for that reason only, they recognized that they were likely fraudulent. When I spoke to my credit card company on the phone, they were totally lackadaisical... "Oh, this happens all the time.. just shred the card and we'll send you a new one.. no idea how they got your number, maybe online... " WTF?! Um, hello, could you investigate this a little further, perhaps?! Now I have to worry if these people have access to any of my other info, as my credit card is linked to my checking. No anomolous activity there thus far, but who knows.. So i have that to look forward to..
And i've got a ridiculous amount of pending parking ticket disputes, two for a location which I actually checked with about with the police department BEFORE parking there. I know I was ticketed because a neighbor called the cops to ticket me. This guy had previously stuck notes to my windshield telling me he didn't want me parking there, dispite the fact I'd never been ticketed. And apparently, while they were ticketing me, the cops didn't notice the 18-wheeler this guy had parked overnight outside his house. But yeah, I found a parking statute prohibiting that, and called the cops on him, and they made him move the truck. I hope they gave him a massive ticket as well. And now, there are a bunch of cars parked outside his house where the truck used to be, so I hope he's annoyed daily by their presence.
On the upside, my financial situation should improve shortly, with an influx from my loan refund. My friends were also very generous in purchasing my jewelry, which i really appreciate and makes me hopeful for future events. I am looking forward to spring break, I just want to disappear. I wanted to go to Egypt, but I think I'm too frazzled to handle it, so I might go to New Orleans instead. i just need to get gone before I lose my mind.
I'm sure this has been depressing. Some of you may have checked out long ago because this is such a Debbie Downer post. I'm hoping putting it down on "paper" will make me feel better... Let's hope! The valium's kicking in so I'm gonna sign off now.. I hope you are all well. Talk soon!
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| Bag Tag! |
[Jan. 18th, 2008|02:36 pm] |
Via Mellie,
This is my ginormous "purse." It's really a laptop bag I was given as a gift, but as my laptop weighs 600 pounds and was made in the 1800s, I have no intention of carrying it anywhere. So I carry all my crap in the bag instead.
Contents: a camera, an umbrella, two tubes of lipstick, a lip pencil, eyedrops, lip balm, black eyeliner, band-aids, pack of rolaid chews, bottle of ibuprofen, Purel, pad, squash ball, padlock, scrunchie, bottle of water, keys, checkbook, wallet, pack of gum, ipod, Swiss army knife, book of matches, 3 pens, sunblock, sunglasses, Special K bar, camera manual, compact, allergy meds, nasal spray, bag of splenda packs, pack of tissues.
And during the week I also carry a three-ring binder in it.
Yes I travel as though natural disaster is imminent. But I have at one time or another used every item in it. The bag has already fallen apart once and I've had to sew it back together. But I like that I can put 8.5" by 11" dimensioned things in it and they fit without being squashed. And I like that it has a leathery-smooth feel but is not leather, 'cause I try to avoid animal products. And it has a magnetic button thing that keeps it closed. But yeah. It's ginormous. |
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| Grantrum |
[Jan. 5th, 2008|02:35 am] |
I have coined a new term: Grantrum.
Grantrum: the adult form of a tantrum. May consist of drinking to excess, crying uncontrollably, followed by vomiting in the street or on companions. May alternately consist of abruptly ending conversations and storming-off without explanation. Often includes the throwing of stationary objects, copious use of expletives, and illogical mutterings marked by loud outbursts. May involve some or all of the above, in varying chronology.
I am nearly thirty. I really thought I was done witnessing this sort of thing when I was like..4. In fact, I'd kind of prefer the 4-year-old version. At least it's logical. |
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| XMAS! |
[Dec. 18th, 2007|05:42 pm] |
Thanks for the Xmas card Earthmomma!
I am almost done with my xmas shopping... YAY! |
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| BWAHAHA... Alexis Rockman |
[May. 5th, 2007|08:05 pm] |
Interview with Alexis Rockman, ViewingSpace, September, 2000:
"Q: Are you a vegetarian?
Rockman: No. Are you? But I have compassion for all living things-unless I want to eat them."
Bwhahaha
agreed. |
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| COLLAGE |
[Apr. 19th, 2007|03:29 am] |
I meant to post this before, and I may have done and just forgotten, but anyway, I'm posting it again if I did before and for the first time if I didn't. A few generous friends donated bits of their journals for this project, and so, for them, here's where your bits ended up. The backstory is that I noticed my school had some really interesting dialogue going on on the walls of the bathroom stalls, so I photographed a bunch of it and built a digital collage. It's up here:
The New Blog Collage |
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| here's a Q... |
[Apr. 6th, 2007|12:28 am] |
Happy Passover to all you Jews, and Easter to the Christians...
I have a dilemma. There's a girl, a friend of mine, at school, who consistently wears those low-rise jeans, and every time she sits in them, her ass-crack is exposed. Like not subtlely exposed but seriously, ass-cheek-bearing exposed. But I have no idea how to tell her. Is there a chance she's aware of it, but is ok with it? Surely she must feel a strong breeze? I don't know what to do.. If I tell her, she'll be embarassed, and she'll know I've seen her crack, so it could make things weird... On the other hand, maybe she won't care? I dunno... I need a casual way to say it. Any suggestions? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2007|08:54 pm] |
Saw 300 this weekend. Very beautiful, amazingly choreographed dance-like fight sequences, crap-tastic dialogue and the worst sex-scene i've ever seen. Was most impressed with the transformation of Rodrigo Santoro, who played Persian king Xerxes, last seen in by me in "Love, Actually." Actually, I just realized I last saw him on, "LOST," and it says a lot that I didn't even make the connection between that annoying twerp on LOST and the bikini-clad hotness that he is in 300.
 
Big up to Kate Winslet, who stuck to her non-size 0 guns, according to IMDB:
"Kate Winslet has agreed to a financial settlement with a British magazine over a story claiming the actress was consulting a diet doctor. The Titanic star - an outspoken opponent of Hollywood's growing obsession with size zero - was furious Grazia magazine reported she was taking desperate measures to shed weight by visiting a Chinese Healing Institute in Santa Monica, California, and announced plans to sue the publication last month. Today the publication apologised and conceded Winslet went to the doctor in connection with a neck problem. A "substantial" monetary settlement will be donated to an eating disorder charity. In a statement Grazia says, "We are satisfied that she did not go to (a doctor) seeking any treatment for weight loss. We are very happy to set the record straight and sincerely apologize to Kate for the distress caused." Through her solicitor, Winslet added, "I am delighted that this matter has been resolved, and the record set straight. I am not a hypocrite. I have always been, and shall continue to be, honest when it comes to body/weight issues."
Good for her. |
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